Down the Rabbit Hole: My Adventures in Publishing

When I first read Alice in Wonderland, I was disturbed by the plot. Poor Alice was just following her natural curiosity when she tumbled down the rabbit hole and ended up in a world of peculiar beings and unsettling events. Logic and good sense were of no use there, and I was glad when the story ended with her awakening from sleep, safely back on the English riverbank with her sister. Stay away from dangerous places, I told myself.

As the years passed I did not abide by the warning. I am adventuresome by nature, and I’ve ended up in situations or relationships or places I should have avoided. Like Alice, I was drawn by interest or desire and didn’t consider the consequences. A few times the results were disastrous, but mostly my distress was subtle and it took me a while to catch on that something was amiss.

I have gotten smarter through the years about who I am and what I can or cannot do. The struggles I’ve had, the books I’ve read, and conversations with family, friends, and strangers have taught me this, not to mention feminism, the years in therapy, and my spiritual practice. I usually know when to say yes and when to say no.

But sometimes I’m still attracted to rabbit holes.


The most recent case is connected to Persimmon Tree, and that’s why I’m writing about it here. In an article in the Spring 2012 issue, I announced that I was stepping down from my job as the chief editor. The plan was for me to continue as publisher while Sue Leonard took over the editorship.

I wrote, “I have a dream of starting a publishing company, Persimmon Tree Press, a sister to Persimmon Tree magazine. It likewise will be dedicated to promoting the writing of women over sixty.” I had a vision of an older women’s publishing empire. (I know, it sounds grandiose.)  We already had created a magazine that was attracting thousands of readers, and now our own press would generate even more attention. The Persimmon Tree grand enterprise would announce to the world: Look what we can do! Look at all the talent and creativity among us older women!

Rabbit hole alert – I was getting ahead of myself.


But I didn’t know it then. After my article appeared, I received dozens of e-mails from women who were excited by the idea of Persimmon Tree Press. They told me about books they’d failed to get published after years of trying and manuscripts they thought would be just right for this new press. Their stories were sometimes poignant and sometimes angry and defiant, railing against the publishing world and its perceived prejudice against older women writers. They fueled my desire for this press even more.

Once Sue and her editorial team had successfully taken on the task of editing the magazine, I had the time to investigate. There was a lot to learn. I knew about online magazine publishing, but book publishers have to deal with complicated issues like printing, distribution, and promotion of books. The industry is changing so fast these days that even seasoned observers can hardly keep up. People are reading more books on tablets than anyone expected a few years ago, independent bookstores are shutting down, small presses are hurting financially, and big publishing companies have merged so often that we now have only the Big Five.

The traditional model of book publishing – authors finding agents, agents selling books to big publishers, and publishers getting books into the marketplace — is in trouble. Lack of money means that big publishers generally pick those books they think are worth the risk (famous authors, well-known public figures). When they do publish books by lesser-known authors, they have limited resources to support them. I recently spoke with a woman whose first novel came out under a Big Five name. She was thrilled at first, but her satisfaction didn’t last because she was left on her own to market the book.

Thankfully the field of publishing now offers more alternatives for authors. Self-publishing, seen as a last resort in the past, is being embraced by a growing number of new or already-published writers. I’ve met several women who have self-published with solid financial success. They’re satisfied to be working on their own, and they’ve become expert in self-promotion and book marketing.

But many authors decide they want more support than is typically available in self-publishing. Fortunately, there are other publishing possibilities — hybrid or alternative presses, involving a variety of editing, logistical, and financial arrangements. These come in a variety of sizes and design, and the industry increasingly has recognized their presence.


At this point it seemed that Persimmon Tree Press would have to find its place in this last category of presses, but the details were unclear. I invited Jeri Cohen, a close friend who’s good at organizing, to become involved, and we started going to publishing conferences; talking to distributors, librarians, and booksellers; and reading blogs and articles on the internet. The amount of information was staggering. Neither of us had much interest in social media, a major marketing tool, but if we were going to have a press, we’d have to know how to use Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and whatever else came along. We could always hire out this part of the operation – but that would require money, and we hadn’t figured out that part yet. Our ordinarily enthusiastic mood became a little more sober that day.

I heard about Brooke Warner, who seemed to be just the person we needed. Energetic and knowledgeable about book publishing, she was getting She Writes Press off the ground. She Writes Press is an independent women’s press that curates manuscripts and gives authors first-rate editorial and production support. Although authors pay a stipend to cover the costs of publishing, the fee is as low as is reasonably possible. She Writes Press seemed like a possible model for Persimmon Tree Press.

I met with Brooke, who told me how much effort she was putting into this press. A huge number of legal, technical, organizational, and promotional matters had to be sorted out before her first books could be published; the project consumed most of her waking hours. As she spoke, I noticed the shadows of exhaustion on her face and the slump of her shoulders. It was a late autumn day, and the afternoon light had already dimmed in her office, making her fatigue even more apparent.


Afterwards I went to my car feeling satisfied with our conversation but unsettled by how hard she was working. As I settled into the driver’s seat, I glanced in the car mirror and saw an aged woman looking back at me, her face marked with deep lines. I was shocked by the sight. I had been focusing on Brooke for the last hour, thinking of us as two women in publishing, and age hadn’t been in my mind. But Brooke’s face was young, despite her apparent exhaustion, and her skin was smooth and supple; mine, in comparison, showed the thirty-year age difference between us. I slumped back in my seat, then peeked in the mirror again. I smiled, trying to bring light into my eyes, and I pulled back the loose skin on my cheeks. But it was still me, a woman in her early seventies with a face that can’t help but reveal the long years of ups and downs.

I sighed deeply, but after a few moments I began to chuckle. What have I been thinking? I asked myself.

I felt on the edge of something new. For the last several months I had been under self-induced pressure to start Persimmon Tree Press; somehow I had ignored the fact of my age. Brooke may have forty good career years ahead of herself, but I don’t. How long could I realistically expect to keep a press going?

I was nearing my home in the Berkeley hills, but I wasn’t ready to go inside. I pulled off the road next to a grove of eucalyptus trees and lowered the window to breathe in their minty pine scent. I pictured myself rushing from crisis to crisis, dealing with cranky vendors and anxious authors and worrying about a million little details. I’d have to travel to conferences, meetings, and promotional events to build up a presence for the press. Is this really what I want to do? I asked myself. The answer came quickly. No.

I had avoided falling down the rabbit hole.


I felt a flood of relief, as though everything was finally coming into place. I started to think about time. The time I have left on this earth, and how precious it is, and how I want it to be. A faint breeze came through the window, and I drew my jacket tighter around me. The image of the years ahead was suddenly clear: I’d spend my days writing, my first love, and I’d continue as publisher of Persimmon Tree magazine. I’d be with dear family and friends, and there was music and reading and long walks beside the water, and who knew what else I’d discover?

But before I did anything else, I would call Jeri and I would tell her the truth: I realize that the project isn’t right for me at this point in my life. It’s just way too much work and not what I want to do with my time. Jeri might have a moment of hesitation before answering, but she is almost my age and she would understand.


Postscript:  While I was researching Persimmon Tree Press, I also finished my first novel, Clear Lake. My plan had been to publish it in the traditional way by finding an agent who would then search for a publisher. But the wheels of traditional publishing revolve slowly, and assuming I was lucky enough to sell the book in the first place, it would take two years before it appeared in print. I didn’t want to wait that long. I decided to place the novel instead with She Writes Press — which turned out to be a satisfying and fitting end to my publishing adventure.




Nan Fink Gefen, founding publisher of Persimmon Tree magazine, is the author of two nonfiction books and the newly published novel, Clear Lake, available at She currently is working on a nonfiction book about mothering adult daughters (with co-author Sandra Butler.) Nan lives in Berkeley, CA.


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  6. Dear Nan, Strange, Not only was the title of my last published article “Down the Rabbit Hole” (in a book called IN WONDERLAND about an exhibit on The Women of Surrealism), but as I read your text, it spoke so profoundly about what I go through quite often. I still have the dreams I had when I was younger. Now that I am retired, I plan to do something enormous (like start a salon, which I did in NYC in the seventies), and I realize that I am in need of more down time, and can’t take on something so large anymore. We have to remind ourselves, even though the “inner child” is still alive and kicking, that now we must listen to the “inner wisewoman”. So, thank you so much for this really truthful and courageous piece. Gloria Orenstein

  7. Down the Rabbit Hole with Alice: Wow! White Rabbit, watch out, I am catching up with you, and there’s a very important date, we all have, with destiny! I appreciated everything about this piece, about the me in the mirror, how those lines suddenly spoke volumes, being about a life! A wrinkle in time, as in the title of a wonderful book of more than, science fiction. We women who are aging, for sure, feel that shock of seeing ourselves in the mirror. I know when my cell phone camera suddenly reverses, I am scared. My husband says, “The camera lies.” But I see lines I have never seen before, and I know, I cannot kid myself. The kid is inside. She is dancing, and she will continue to sparkle, just like you do. And by the strange alchemy that is seeing, I feel we’re all beautiful inside and out, and those lines disappear into the twinkling yonder. I don’t see them, and then, I do.

    There is another story running here, everywhere, sub rosa, and it’s about the music, and it’s about ascent, about a scent, and the slow unfolding of the rose, as in our individual experiential lives. There is a deep, ongoing, connectivity that binds us all, that is OM bilical. We are all of us connected in more ways to each other than we ever thought possible. I feel the beauty of your writing here, and wish you success with your book, but beyond this, I say, as Rumi did, that there is a field, where we will meet again.

    Wonderland is a stop on the Orange Line, our Mass Transit, in Boston. And I say, to us all, because I deeply believe in a Story that circles our every lives: next stop, Wonderland!

    A valentine for You. Namaste,

  8. I’m coming a little late to the conversation, but thank you so much for your wisdom, Nan. There does come a time when some dreams have to be set down. Given everything you mentioned, writing a publishing a novel at this stage of my life (close to 80) just doesn’t seem to be right. But essays, short stories, articles, poetry–aah, that’s something else. I’m grateful that Persimmon Tree has published two of my stories in “Short Takes.” Persimmon Tree fills a beautiful niche for older women and I happily recommend it to all of my writing friends. Thank you!

  9. Nan, I enojoyed your account of how you realized that you just couldn’t and didn’t want to do this anymore age-wise. I just turned 72 and the hardest thing for me is to accept that my body won’t do what my head wants to do, so it was encouraging to read of your journey towards acceptance. And enlightenment!

  10. Nan, Thanks for this encouragement. I recall some email conversation with you when Persimmon Tree published my story about my fight to get ordained in a patriarchal church that worshiped an all-male deity bloated with transcendent omnipotence. I’m on the brink of entering the publishing world with my memoir and am encouraged by your work in publishing and as a novel writer. Thanks so much…btw I’m a feminist with a religio-spiritual story so will need extra grit and grace. Thank you again, Nan.

  11. Thanks Nan. It’s hard to know how much future there is at 70, or what you want to do with it. Time seems to be standing still, but I know it can’t forever. Good luck with your book and thanks for your efforts at Persimmon Tree.

  12. Thanks so much for this, Nan. I have finished a novel and am considering submitting it to She Writes Press. You are tipping me further in that direction.

  13. Thank you for sharing your adventure. It is an empowering moment to let go of what you feel you Need to do, and do what you really Want to do. Your story has helped me feel good about my own creative adventures. And bravo with the beautiful writing Persimmon Tree puts on line

  14. Thanks, Nan, for sharing your vision of your next X years on the planet. Looks a lot like mine, and helpful to see it so clearly in print. (Our careers have been quite parallel.) For the first time, just turned down an all-expenses-paid invite as a panelist at a faraway Writers Conference this spring. Priorities are shifting….

  15. Such a wonderful article, Nan. Thank you. I laughed above when you were describing my exhaustion. I remember the day when you asked me, Are you okay? I think I’m getting a little more sleep these days. You’ve been such an integral member of the trailblazing first class of SWP authors and I’m so grateful to all of you who took the leap with me. And your book is beautiful, and beautifully written. I so appreciate your perspective and your support.

  16. Down the Rabbit Hole is a great image. Thank you for sharing this adventure. And thank you for you work with Persimmon Tree Magazine. I just went to Amazon to order Clear Lake. Can’t wait to read it.

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